Dream #15

Two kittens
Black and white
Sit side by side
Something ceremonial
One male one female
All their
Tiny front paws raised
Thread sewn
Through their feet
So they are
Marrionettes
I am the only one
With scissors
I can do it
Without causing
Too much pain
They wriggle
I snip the stitches
Where they knot
Deep in fur
Bloodied string
Meets innocent flesh

There is no doubt
I've caused pain
But it's over now.

Dream #14/Scratch My Palms, There's Blood on My Hands

My brother is in hospital. My mother and I go to visit him, there are two dogs on his bed for some kind of pet therapy, but he isn't there. A male nurse informs us he is probably getting some food outside, and we are sad that he is making us wait.
When he returns, we take him home on a bus. I sit on his right, my mother on his left. I am trying to tell him something that my mum isn't supposed to hear, but he can't understand one particular word; the word 'in' . I take his hand and trace the outline of the letters with my finger on his palm as it is impossible to speak the secret.

'I'

'N'

He still cant understand, so I keep tracing.
The skin on his hand starts to bleed, and now the word is visible.
I feel terrible.
This bleeding is because of his illness, a weakening of the surface, a weakening somewhere inside.

He understands.

He sits next to a child on the bus, and is instantly transformed into a child himself. He talks to her about how unfairly we are treating him and that he has done nothing wrong.

Our hearts burst open.

Dream #13

I have a son of about twenty
He resents me strongly
And is hurting

Puzzled, I wonder how or when
This all happened
It seems overnight
I am someone's mother
And have been for some time
I still feel the same as I did yesterday
Back in reality

In the dream
Whilst staring at patterned walls
I remember there was
Another dream
I'd had
When I gave birth
In a strange
Half hospital
Half department store
In the beauty section
Abandoned and ashamed
By default
Crying under a pink blanket
That gave no warmth

'This must be when..'

Back to the present
I am older somehow
Though I feel no time
Has passed
Almost as if realisation
Of his birth
Has aged me instantly
I'm living like a has been
Twenties filmstar
In this vast mansion
Full of ornate, dusty
Pretty things
Respected but alone

It's the 1970's
My son is androgynous
And so beautiful it hurts
Dressed in last night's
Fur and beige velvet
Smatterings of silver glitter
On blushed rose cheeks
Effortlessly perfect
Even as a mess
Translucent skin and
Peach beestung pout
As he stands
Talking to his friends about me
I can feel that
He is bitter
As the frozen morning

Sadness in my heart
I know I can never
Change his mind
Or the reason
He feels this way
Though I still have no idea
Why
All I am sure of
Is the boundless, ceaseless
Love I have for him

Leafing through a book of
Opulent photographs
I've taken years ago
Of now antique coloured glass
And decorative objects I've owned
I recall a tiny flame
I once had
In the deepest pit
In the dark caverns
Of my body

My lover doesn't understand
What these photos mean
I feel I did, once,
But not now

Pictures of
Dolls houses turn into
Intricate models
Of candlelit Bethlehem

Dream #12/Pink Steam

We all knew what we were
Going to do
We'd all silently agreed
But your best friend
Was there by accident
So many eyes watching
No-one speaking

One drunk stranger
Thinks it's a show
Just for him
Cantankerous bloated red face
Sleazy mutterings
I grab her hand
And run to another room

But he is there waiting
We hide behind a curtain
I pretend the reason
We're in here
Is because we can see
An old fairground
Through the glass

In the main room
We kiss lightly
Wanting more
Trying more
Eyes glazed in pink steam
It came easily to us
You watched us nearby

Your friend was uneasy, unprepared
Yet all too willing
My eyes would frantically
Search for you
When I'd been to the bar
To see exactly what
You were doing with her, to her

I could never find you
In time to see
Not knowing was
Like a knife to my throat
I knew I could never ask you
Before anything had time to start
The place closed their doors

We staggered home
Feeling strange
Half in a crimson stupa
Friends but not friends
We never had the chance
And now we know
We'll be in limbo forever